Shakespeare Reveals Correct Interpretations to Baffled Actors in Exclusive Séance Interview
When pressed for elucidation regarding the poet’s deeper meanings, the ouija board rattled in annoyance.
“No, really. We were just trying to make money,” greatest author in English language insists.
“It cracks me up that teachers make kids perform Romeo and Juliet. Do you know how many sodomy jokes I put in that play...?"
The ouija board somehow managed to shrug.
"Meh. What do I care? I'm dead." The Bard of all bards disclosed.
“I’ll tell you one thing, though…” Shakespeare intoned in a mystical voice, without bothering to spell on the board’s alphabet anymore.
“Tell us! TELL US!!!” the actors demanded.
“It cracks me up that teachers make kids perform Romeo and Juliet. Do you know how many sodomy jokes I put in that play for my friend Anthony?”
When asked about LGBTQ culture in early modern England, the Bard explained, "you could, er, ‘Write Sonnets,’ et cetera, to anyone you wanted.”
“Uh… who is Anthony?” asked the bravest actor, in a well-trained voice that insinuated both disbelief and deference at once.
“WHO IS ANTHONY???” The ouija board shouted in disbelief. “You really haven’t noticed that every person named ‘Antony’ or ‘Antonio’ in every single one of my plays is the gayest gay who ever gayed???”
The actors all cocked their heads to one side or another and considered this. A few counted on their fingers.
“What about Cleopatra?” one of them finally asked.
“Fine, the Roman Antony was bi. Or queer. Or whatever. You know I am too, right? We didn’t really have those distinctions in my day. You married, you made heirs, and that was just good business, but you could, er, ‘Write Sonnets,’ et cetera, to anyone you wanted.”
The actors then made the mistake of asking who really wrote his plays.
A brave stage manager appeared out of nowhere with a fire extinguisher, put out the fire, and vanished as mysteriously as they appeared.